The Gospel According to Prisco

I switched from Netflix to Blockbuster, because for the same price, I could exchange my movies in store for three immediate new films while they sent me the others.  AND they send you a monthly coupon for a free movie or video game.  It made sense.  It was awesome.  Also, Netflix puts you on a list.  If you exchange movies too fast in too short a period of time, they send your films out staggered.  So even if you mail them in at the same time, they’ll send on out one day, then the next day, then the next day.  It’s kind of shady, and I forshamed them with my cancellation email.

So I was in Blockbuster heaven.  Especially when you consider I’m in Burbank!  So surely, in an industry town, they’ll have a great selection in store, right?  WRONG.  You are very fucking wrong, sirs and madams.  Blockbuster has the worst in store selection I’ve ever seen.  If the film is actually there, usually it’s checked out.  Which is because there are no late fees.  So fuck if I’ll bring shit back on time.  So even though they bring in nine thousand copies of the latest release, its usually not there.  So sure, you get free exchanges.  But for what? 

Well, then I go into the store, and after browsing, I finally scrounge together the three films I’ll watch.  It’s shit like this that leads to Epic Movie rentals.  I bring them to the register.  I am informed, not by email, but in store, that I have exceeded my quota for the month.  Mind you, it’s November 7th.  So I say, “Isn’t it unlimited?”  They tell me, “That’s how it was.  You have to upgrade to get the unlimited.”  And by upgrade, they mean, you now have to pay $25 a month to get unlimited exchanges.   Instead of $18. 

I agree to the blood money.  But I’m really pissed.  First that I have to get embarassed in store by not being able to return shit, but second that I have to pay $25.  And third, that they discontinued the motherfucking free monthly coupon.  It was how I addressed my Wii addiction.  Because to rent a game costs $8 at Blockbuster.  And I despite my constant reviewing, I don’t have that much free time to spend playing games to afford Gamefly or Gametap or Tapfly or Vidcrotch or whatever they call it these days. 

Well, fine.  So I’m continuing my trend.  Then I get an email. 

The email informs me that blockbuster will be increasing the monthly amount for 3 at a time and unlimited instore to $35.  As soon as the number got above $30 my blood pressure burst a vein in my forehead like Sweeney Todd trimming my bald dome.  Also, I think I had just gotten done watching Epic Movie.  So I sent them an email. 

Much to my chagrin, I had to forego a lot of my poetic profanity because the complaint department only reads 255.  So it read like a sailor sending a telegram.  Fuck you Blockbuster.  STOP.  How dare you ask me to fucking shill out more money for your crapass DVD collection?  STOP.  Fuck you in the face.  STOP.  Netflix, which I’ll be returning to, has a much much better selection of films.  Unlike your garbage assortment.  STOP.  And that doesn’t even begin to touch on the bevy of retards you have working at your stores who couldn’t find their assholes with both hands, a flashlight, and a starved dog.  STOP.  Fuck you and your shitty in store selection as well.  You know who needs forty copies of I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry?  Someone stupid enough to fucking shop at your garbage store. STOP.  I will not only fucking promise to cancel my account immediately, but I will my make it my life’s quest to ensure that nobody ever dare speak your name in my presence.  You just fucked with the wrong bitch.  STOP.  Again, my sincere hopes and wishes that you get promptly and vigorously fucked in the face.  STOP.

So yeah.  Cancel your Blockbuster accounts if you do the online.  If you shop in store, well, that’s your business.  Go back to Netflix.  Sure they’re doucheshady with their blacklist.  But fuck it.  For $25 you can get 4 movies at a time.  Even with their mail system, that comes out to almost 13 movies a month if you watch fast.  That’s less than $2 a DVD.  And you don’t have to try to park in the worst fucking parking lot ever.  Blockbuster parking lots suck, have always sucked, and will always suck, world without end.

This is not me shilling for Netflix.  I don’t get paid endorsement.  In fact, motherfuck Netflix.  This is about casting hell on the blue and gold cocksacks at Blockbuster.  They will rue the fucking day they crossed this little bald motherfucker.  RUE!