Imagine staring at a turd pie. It’s obvious that it’s made of turds, there are flies buzzing around it, and it plainly reaks of shitstink. If that weren’t enough, they’ve put a label on it that says, Ingredients: Turds, Flour, Sugar, More Turds, Baby Diarrhea, Broken Glass, Turd Flavoring, Partially Hydrogenated Turd Oil, Turds. Even still further, there are people who are vomitting around you, warning you how bad it tastes, to just stay away, it’s awful. But for some reason, you feel this overwhelming urge to take a bite, just one bite, so you know just how bad something can be.
That turd pie, my friends, is X-Men: The Last Stand.
I haven’t seen a franchise fucked like this since Dewey Corvalis got arrested for sticking his dick in a McDonald’s. I mean, the blazing disregard for the mythos of the entire story, the sheer nonchalance for the talent of the actors playing the parts, the flaming audacity of just openly stating you were driving a stake in the heart of a series like murdering a magician at a children’s birthday party. It doesn’t just boggle the mind, it flat out fucking Scattergories it.
I know Brett Ratner is a hack. I know he’s a terrible director. But I had no idea he was on this level of puppy skeet shooting. If Stan Lee wasn’t so busy wandering from Marvel film to Marvel film like some sort of senile Where’s Waldo, I would sincerely wish he put out a jihad on Ratner. Not just a carbomb or assassination either. I mean a total family tree uprooting jihad. And publicly burning any establishment in which Ratner may or may not have ejaculated so that no DNA can possibly exist.
And Zak Penn, you motherfucker. I’m not even concerning myself with the other guy, because it is evident you were at fault here. You comic book murdering cunthair. I hope someone Gigli’s your fucking career but quick. I loved you, you bitchnut. Incident at Loch Ness was a brilliant and ballsy concept. You wrote PCU and Last Action Hero. You could have been a contender. Now you are using your powers for evil instead of awesome. You are singlehandedly cornholing the entire comic world mythos and wiping your bloody dick on the teddy bear. How they let you anywhere near Watchmen after Elektra, let alone this boil on the ass of society, is a testament to your unholy alliance with Satan. I really hope someone, somewhere, is filling a dead cow skull with Anthrax for placement in your home. What makes me so angry is that Zak Penn COULD be good. He should be BETTER. So Shiva, god of death, I call upon you to rain fire and pestilence on his loved ones.
The rest of this is going to run rampant with spoilers, but to say this film could be spoiled is like saying Hiroshima was an attempt to thwart Godzilla. Killing off Cyclops is one thing, but essentially doing it like he’s the first teen swimmer doggy-paddling over Jaws is sacriledge. But then, trying to ruin Ben Foster’s and Ellen Page’s emerging careers by making one look like the cover for a Journey coverband and then giving him nothing to do, and then giving the other lines like “Who says I’m hiding, dickhead?” as Kitty Pryde. But you decide to kill Professor Xavier? What? WHAT?! You fucking assbags.
The rest of the film is an homage to why CGI cannot replace character development. Oooh, so you moved the Golden Gate Bridge. Motherfucker couldn’t make a barge? The dialogue was so terrible, they should not only revoke both of their guild cards, but they should use them to paper cut them to the pain. Not the death, death’s too good for these rhinocerous pizzles. And you could tell the actors were regretting every penny of the contracts they signed to mumble through this death knell to what was beginning to be a sharp comic book adaptation. The only way Hugh Jackman is going to resolve his career after this and the Shiny McDouchebag Vegas Style debacle is to get a starring role as Tyler Durden in Fight Club: The Musical.
Fuck it, I have to go home and chug a fifth of whiskey to wash the assreak of this out of my soul. Alright, that was my plan anyway, but still. Daddy needs his medicine after this chlyamidic pustule.
I saw the Last Stand. I went to the ticket box office and asked for my 2 hours back… or I wouldn’t have done if I hadn’t been numbed by the crapulousness of it all.
Where does one start? How about when they’re on the Golden Gate bridge which apparently has some kind of time distortion field around it – on one side it’s broad daylight and on the other it’s pitch black.
What about the lameness of Jean Grey. All that build up, all that power and THAT’s all she did?
Glad to see I’m not the only person who felt violated by this movie.
Oh and did anyone else feel the absence of Angel? He was plugged so heavily in the promos and he got something like 10mins of actual footage… in fact the promo reel, unbeknownst to all us suckers, showed ALL of his movie time
Head of nail, meet Mr. Prisco. This was such a tragedy that, I swear to Buddha, I half expected Wolverine to go all emo and break into a dance number. I mean, how the fuck do you put Juggernaut AND Colossus in the same movie and NOT have them duke it out??? And what was up with the mutants that looked like the front row at a 30 Seconds to Mars concert? Ahhh, fuck it. I’m spent. Great review.
Oh, oh! And Juggernaut is NOT a fucking mutant! Jeezus Christ on an onion bagel.
It doesn’t just boggle the mind, it flat out fucking Scattergories it.
If that isn’t one of the best critical sentences I’ve ever read, I don’t know what is.
The sad thing is, I bought this before seeing it, thinking, “Well, the first two were great. I mean, how badly could Ratner fuck it up, right? I mean, X-Men movies should be like instant oatmeal, right? You’ve got the basic ingredients, just heat it up and you’re good, right? Just take a story line from the comics, and…”
But no. Ratner instead mixed dogshit in with his oatmeal, and then threw it in our faces with complete and utter contempt.
So… you didn’t like it?
i agree with most of what you said, and compared to the comic…it was too sad.
but, in reality…how DO you beat x2 with bryan singer? it’s like apple trying to top the iphone anytime soon…it’s just not going to happen. anything would be a letdown.
maybe that’s why singer moved on to superman…lol
Yeah, and look what he did with that little gem. Superman Returns made Superman IV: The Quest for Peace look like an Oscar contender.
All right, I hated this movie, too, but allow me to play devil’s advocate for a moment…
They actually killed Professor X in the books too (brought back to life by some crazy shit, as usual). And if you watch after the credits, there’s a scene that implies that he inserted his consciousness into Dr. MacTaggart’s coma patient.
But don’t get me wrong, I still fucking HATED this movie, especially the treatment (or non-treatment) of the whole Phoenix storyline when compared with the comics.
No thank you for reminding me again having endured this crapfest.
It’s all coming back to me: a friend called me one evening: “I’ve got the Last Stand dvd, let’s watch it at my place and drink some abbey beers.” I ran late and got myself worked up in the car thinking they started the movie without me. Terribly eddy I rang his doorbell, he opens, smirking “Finally, we’re already half an hour into it”. I almost took a swing at him, just when I saw he was joking.
Two hours later I wished he wasn’t.
One of your omissions in your rant (bandwidth limits?): Mystique. She speaks. A lot.
Actually, I had already made my peace with Mystique. You don’t cast someone like Rebecca Romijn without having her look like Rebecca Romijn sans blue bedazzlement.
They didn’t need her to talk so much. Her dialogue was weak, but she had one of the only legitimate character arcs in the entire movie. She was betrayed, and she turned against him.
Thank. You.
I was most appalled when after seeing this movie and ranting about it I kept running into friends who ‘thought it was great’. The same people admitted they weren’t into comics and had no idea how badly it fraked up the franchise but even after learning the discrepancies, didn’t care how mutilated that ‘threequel’ was.
Did you know Bret Ratner only got the job because Halle Barry pimped him for it? Losing Ryan Singer was a tough blow for the film but it could have worked out better if they’d just given it to another director. (One of the inconsistencies with the film was that Xavier would never have left Storm in charge of the school, she’s been known to be too volatile and tempermental in the past). It was just Halle going ‘I luv this character, teehee’ and getting massive screentime due to bagging Ratner the job.
They could not have more efficiently murdered the movie franchise and peed on the fans. (Maybe if I hope real hard in thirty years someone will make an X-Men movie again…they need to do what they did with Highlander 3 where they completely ignored H2. Just skip X3, pretend none of it ever happened and make a better movie).
I was really pissed because the Phoenix story arc is one of my absolute favorites. She destroyed a galaxy with her hunger, she consumed a sun, and it took the might of the entire Shi’ar Empire to extinguish her hold on a mortal body. That is power. (Comic Book Geek, stop laughing at me) Instead they replace it some lame arse dual personality disorder story line. And they have Wolverine kill her. Phoenix would not have let Logan sever her ties to mortal coil.
X3 was like someone handed the movie reigns to a person that is brain damaged.