Rage 8:1 Hold the Line, Please

My younger brother is a technophiliac.  I’m not saying I’ve seen the dude actually fuck a VCR or anything.  I’m just saying he may have.  Any time any sort of new gizmo hit the market, Todd must own it.  He owns all of the gaming systems, all of the little portable gaming systems, etc.  So when the iPhone first came out, he of course needed to own it.  I made fun of him mercilessly, with all his unnecessary gadgets and gewgaws and crap.  It’s a motherfucking phone!  Right?

Yeah, then Todd came out to visit a few months later.  We pretty much used the Google Maps function to get around everywhere.  He was able to look up information (albeit really f-in slowly, since it worked on that EDGE system.).  It was awesome.  Brian want.  Todd, however, suggested I wait until they do iPhone 3G, because it would be faster, and no doubt fix most of the glitches in the first phone.  Plus, he sagely advised that if the new iPhone sucked ass, I could always get a first gen really supacheap.  So I was determined that I would purchase one the next go-around.   I saved my nickels and scrimped. 

But who knew when the hell that would be?  I was rocking a two-year old Razr, which was a piece of shit.  I could never hear people when they called.  It would cut out most of the time.  I would miss calls, never get messages, all sorts of nonsense.  I hated it.  So when I was eligible, in March, for a new phone, I went for a Samsung Blackjack II.  It had 3G already, so it was superfast, and I just wanted it for the mapping function (to find locations for film shoots/acting gigs) and to check my email.  However, most of the phones cannot check Hotmail accounts for some reason.  I tried on the Blackjack II, but couldn’t set it up, so I brought it back to the store the next day and told them I’d wait for the iPhone 3G.  I know you can check Hotmail on those.  I had done it with my brothers. 

Now, when I went to pay my bill in March, it said that I wasn’t due for an upgrade until August of 2009.  So I went back to the store.  They said, don’t worry, it’s in the notes what happened.  Just come in, and we can give you the upgrade.  The contract was reversed.  Don’t worry. 

So I called online and asked if they could adjust it on their records, because I wanted to ensure that I would be eligible for an upgrade.  They said, don’t worry, it’s fine, it’s in the records, you’re eligible, you can upgrade anytime you want.

Rumor had it that the iPhone 3G was going to be released in June.  So I checked in with the store.  They said, don’t worry, you’re eligible for an upgrade.  Just get in line with everyone else.  I called online.  They said, you can get an iPhone when it comes out, you are eligible for an upgrade, you’ll pay the contract fee of $199 for the 8GB, you’re fine.  I said, yeah, but it still says online that I’m not eligible.  She said, don’t worry.  It’s in the notes. 

They finally gave the release date.  I called online again.  Don’t worry.  It’s in the notes.  I called the store last night, just to make sure, before I decided to go and camp out for a telephone.   The guy said, yeah, man, you’re eligible.  Don’t worry.

So I thought I’d set my alarm for 4:00 AM, and then just get over there at 5 to stand in line, and I should be fine.  But I woke up in the middle of the night, a raging case of insomnia, and I panicked.  I didn’t know what the demand would be for these, what with all the other companies putting out touchscreen clones and shit.  So in the dark, I fumbled around to find a shirt from the laundry pile, threw it on, and decided I would make a quick pass by the store to see if there was any people waiting.  This was at 1:30 AM.  I got to the place, and there were already 10 people in line.  So I parked my car, pulled out awesome backpack camper chair, and started reading the foils and foibles of young Nick Twisp. 

The crowd was mostly guys smoking weed and drinking loudly.  They would canvas the line, taking amusement in the fact that white boy wanted to buy the black phone.  NoHo is hardly Compton, but around 3:30, a cop pulled up to make sure nobody was bothering us or, and I shit you not she fucking said this, “shooting at us or anything”.    3:30 AM rolled around, and the line was 20 deep.  I asked my standin’ companions to watch my spot while I ran over to Yum Yum Donuts to pee.  They had no bathroom.  So of course, I bought a water and a Red Bull. 

The line is steadily growing, so that had I gotten there at my appointed 5 AM, I would have been 40th in line.  I still have to go to work by 9 AM, mind you.  By the time the employees show up, there are well over 70 people waiting in line. 

At 7:30, the girl starts coming around, checking our numbers, making sure we’re eligible according to her little computer phone deal.  She gets to me, and says, “Your bill is past due.”  I said, “Yeah, it was due yesterday, but I have to pay the $30 data plan fee, so I figured, let’s do it all at once.”  She gets a scowl.  So I go on my phone and call up the internet and auto-pay it.  Payment clears, we’re good.  As a lark, I have her check my status again to make sure the payment went through.  The computer keeps checking, and checking, and checking.  She’s moved down the line giving her spiel and she’s about twenty feet away when she shouts out, “You’re NOT ELIGI–”  She apologizes and comes over and whispers.  “You’re not eligible.  You can’t get a phone today.”

I have just been standing in line, in the dark, getting accosted by hoodlums, for over 6 hours.  I have to now go to work, which I fucking hate, without an iPhone.  My birthday (which was a clusterfuck of epic proportions that I will blog about later) got all kinds of fucked up.  All I wanted was a fucking iPhone 3G.  But I don’t need to kill this sweet girl in the face.  Not yet. 

I calmly explain to her what happened.  The employee at this store didn’t properly reverse my contract, and change my eligibility, and I was assured not to worry.  She said, “They can’t check the notes today.  I’m sorry. ”  Because it’s crazy iPhone release day.  I explain, calmly, because I’ve been on the other customer service end of this conversation, “But this was YOUR mistake.  Your store.  This very store we’re here in front of.” Then she ran in to plead my case with the manager while I immediately called customer service. 

I couldn’t hear shit on my shitty Razr, but the gist of what the customer service dude says is, “I need someone from the store to verify that the return occured.”  I say, “Yes, but you don’t understand, they can’t check their notes today.  It’s crazy iPhone release day!”  And also, I’m not in the store yet, because it’s not 8 AM out here yet.  Customer service guy says he’ll wait on the line with me while I go in.  Meanwhile, the store girl comes back and says to me mysteriously, “You’re going to go home happy.  You’re not going to getting a phone today.  But you’ll be happy.”  I was waiting for her to pull out a fucking flute and trill whimsically on it as she winked and wandered off.  I thanked CSG and told him that they can’t do what he asks, so I’ll just go in and try my chances at “leaving happy without an iPhone.”  He offered to call me back later today.

So the line moves, and I go in to the store.  I explain to the manager, Mike, and the manager, Gustavo, what happened.  That I’m a special case.  They have no idea what I’m talking about.  I point at the Store Girl and say, “She says I’ll leave here happy.”  He goes, “Oh, you’re the reversal guy.”  They scramble, and are trying to deal with the myriad of other bullshittery as iTunes don’t work, and people are getting rejected like it’s speed I Love New York.  Mostly ghetto swearing and a lot of cobra necks going on.  From DUDES.   Higginbottom texts me: How’s it going?  I respond.  Bad. Really bad.

I get up to the next available person.  Robert punches up my number.  He’s two customers in, and he’s already losing his patience.  Robert’s gonna stab a motherfucker before the day is out.  Robert is dealing with Suprisingly Calm Brian who’s mostly exhausted from the awesome reading and the two hours sleep.  Robert says, “You’re not eligible for a phone.”  I smile and say, “Yeah, no shit.”  Robert then says, “Well, your contract was zeroed.  You returned the phone on March 23rd.”  I say, “It says that on your computer?  You can confirm it?”  He says yeah.

By this time, Mike has arrived with the Monty Hall deal.  We’re not going to be able to get the phone for you today.  In 72 hours, we will send you an iPhone 3G 8GB phone.  We will give it to you at the contract price. $199.  Then we will credit your account $200.  I pause, as Robert calls up Customer Service to see if they can make the necessary adjustment with the store confirmation to get me the phone today.  But wait a minute, I pause.  Mike’s plan involves sending a message to the district manager’s district manager.  But according to what Mike just told me, that would mean my phone is free.  I would be getting a free iPhone 3G, just three days later. 

Customer Service turns out to be a total bust.  Meanwhile, Robert’s got his first customer irate because they’re telling him that he couldn’t get an iPhone, and he checked LAST NIGHT IN STORE.  I’m like, Join the fucking Club, Mickey.  So I give him the phone, while Mike is trying to work out deals with all the clusterfuck this is slowly becoming. 

I go up to Mike and tell him, I’ll take your deal.  But let me be explicitly clear.  You’re promising me an iPhone in 72 hours, for $199, and I’ll be getting a credit for $200, so the phone should be free, completely free correct?  He says, yes.  He gives me his business card.  I insist that he writes it on the back so that I have IN WRITING his guarantee.  He tells me to call him either today or tomorrow.  I tell him, I’ll call you tomorrow, because you’ll probably have enough to deal with today. 

So I left, with the possibility of getting a totally free iPhone 3G on Monday.  I have to admit, I did leave happy. 

For now.