The Gospel According to Prisco

Well, the saga continues.  I spoke to my doctor the other day, and it appears that everything is good.  My blood pressure is coming down, though it’s not quite where we want it to be.  I’m saving the health care stuff for the other blog, but suffice it to say, all is decent if not well. 

Friday rolled around, and I went in to have my showdown with my boss.  I told him that I needed health care, that that was no longer an option but a priority.  I told him that I would like him to raise my salary so that I could pay for the healthcare myself, but I wanted to make sure I got the best plan possible.  I told him that I needed vacation days and sick/personal days.  I told him that I would like to be made salaried, and that, if he wasn’t willing to pay for my full increase, I would like a pay bump that would put me up a whopping $2500 extra a year.  I told him that I needed this money to actually PAY for the medical care that I required.  That the extra $175 that I would earn (after Uncle Sam drinks my milkshake) would go towards doctor’s/dentist’s visits (because my wisdom teeth are making my mouth look like Sloth), complete lab work, and essential care in case there was an emergency and I had to be hospitalized. 

Now, let me divulge a few details.  My job does not exist in the real world.  I applied at a temp agency for data entry/clerical work when I moved to California.   I ended up doing the invoicing for a company that cleans grocery carts and repairs shopping equipment.   For the past year and a half, I’ve essentially watched this company fall apart under the complete douchebaggery of my boss.  My position is executive administrative assistant/internal quality control facilitator.  What does that mean?  I’ve got no fucking idea.  I made it all up.  That’s how we roll.  Basically, I’m responsible for typing up the invoices from the cart services, answering phones, acting as my boss’s personal assistant (complete with booking flights and rental cars), filing, etc.  Oh, I’m also the shipping manager for his latest magnetic shopping cart ponzi scheme.  So like I said, my job doesn’t exist.  Now, every time he increased my responsibilities, I went to him for a raise.  He didn’t like that, called me unprofessional.  I told him, in a normal company, I’m doing the job of two people, so I want the pay of both of them.  He said, that’s not how it works.  I said, no, it doesn’t.  It’s called a promotion, look it up.  I don’t suffer fools, and because of that, he had a begrudging respect for me.  Or so I thought.

We get the big teamwork speech Thursday, about how this is a family, and we all need to feel like part of it, and we need to watch the company grow, and we need to help that, and puppydogs and rainbows and sunshine and all that farty fart fart.  So I’m feeling good about my prospects.  So I go into his office, and I lay it out.  I need an answer on this today.  Mostly because he would hem and haw over it for two months before making any changes.  I told him, I need to know if I would be a part of this team on Monday.  Because if not, I need to go find other work. 

Well.  First, he berates me for sandbagging him like this.  He doesn’t like this insistence or pressure.  He doesn’t appreciate me making ultimatums.  He calls me out for being unprofessional.  This, from the motherfucker who fired one of my co-workers on a Friday afternoon after I left for the day.  Not only did he fire him, but he had secretly been training his replacement for a month.  The dude had been with the company for 8 months, and boss man just ditches him.  Tells me, Mike took it like a man. 

Then, he proceeds to insult and belittle me.  Telling me my job is easily replaceable.  Telling me that this company isn’t as profitable as I think it is.  Telling me that my demands are ridiculous, the amounts that I’m quoting him.  Motherfucker, I DO THE FUCKING BILLING.  I process the fucking checks.  I KNOW WHAT WE MAKE.  You know how much we charge to do a full service at a store?  Anywhere between $1500 and $2000 a service.  Now, we’ve got six warehouses, and almost 15 crews.  Who are doing services Monday through Friday, and occasionally Saturday.  So that’s about $25000.  A DAY.  Even being less than generous, we pull in $100,000 a week.  Sure, he has to pay payroll and office expenses and yadda yadda.  But that doesn’t count all the other services we do that are pretty much pure profit.  We fucking make over $10 million dollars a year.  And the cost to run the company is about $4 million.  That’s $6 million.  And this cunt can’t fork over an extra $7500.  Just typing this pisses me off. 

Then he condescends to me.  He gives me this line about how I need to consider my professionalism.  And then he gives me some “mentoring” advice.  The day I take advice on how to conduct my life according to his personal philosophy is the day I finally stretched my big toe long enough to swallow the barrel of a shotgun.  Mostly to cure myself of the flying monkeys bursting from my asshole. 

After all this, he tells me that he will get me the medical insurance, but he wants to pay for it, because he knows that “some people” would quote a number and then buy lesser medical insurance and pocket the rest of the money.  You know, liars.  Like me.  It was the second time he questioned my integrity in less than a week.   He tells me that he will give me a week of vacation and two personal/sick days.  He then tells me that he will consider whether or not to raise my salary, and he’ll give me a decision but not until next week, and even then there’s no guarantee that there will be a discussion, but that he will consider it. 

I basically tell him that I would like him to instantly give me the pay raise, and then consider bumping it up to a proper salary in two or three months after I’ve proven to him that I can take on the extra responsibilities.  What extra responsibilities?  The ones he’s already going to put on me.  He’s going to increase my workload by 40%.  And he doesn’t want to pay me extra for it.   He just wants me to do it, and then maybe he will increase my pay rate.  Maybe.

I finally found my pride.  There it was, at the bottom of the fucking barrel.  I don’t want to find another job.  As shitty as my job is, it’s not hard, I’ve gotten my niche with my other co-workers, and I was learning to leave it at the door as I went on to get my really real career as an actor/writer/burdenonsociety.  I don’t want to have to break myself in at a new job, and maybe hate it, and leave to find more work.  Interviewing is demeaning, and since I have degrees in English/Theatre as well as an MFA in Screenwriting, I always have to defend myself that I’m not going to up and quit.  I usually tell them the truth, that it’s a fickle business and it’s hard to get a foot in the door, and that opportunity might not come until years down the road.  And in the meantime, I’ll work as hard as I can for your company.  Which is pretty much true. 

But no amount of money can keep me at this piss poor excuse for a company, with my Napoleon Bonerheart boss.  Seriously, the motherfucker looks like Joe Piscopo, complete with collar opened to the third button shirts and a jewfro mullet.  You better fucking believe there’s a screenplay coming out of this.  Office Space indeed.  So I’m looking for new work.  I haven’t put in two weeks notice, and I don’t believe I will be.  I know he’ll take it like a man. 

$4 is all it takes to save my life.  Four fucking dollars, twice the bounty on John Cusack’s life, to keep me alive.  And a piece of paper.  But, oh, it was that elusive piece of paper that was the motherfucker to obtain.

I always loved the phrase “The Cost of Living”.  I was planning on naming my first collection of short stories that.  (And I still am, so back off, you fucking jackals.)  But never has it meant more to me than after today, and the events of this weekend.

Saturday found us going to the Glendale Health Clinic at 7:30 AM.  I moved a potentially valuable audition to make sure I could fit both in the same day.  Higginbottom does our clerical research, and after making a surreptitious at-work phone call was informed that walk-in appointments were available at 7:30 AM on Saturday.  So when we drove the 15 or so minutes to Glendale to discover the joint closed, we were perplexed.  Apparently, by 7:30 AM on a Saturday, they meant, 7:30 AM Monday through Friday, fuck you fatty and your sleep.  So we drove home.

I began calling free clinics on the Los Angeles County Public Health Website.  There was a clinic open on Saturday, and so I called them first, because there were down towards East LA.  Everything you heard about Compton and East LA are true.  Going there is like those kids playing capture the flag who would play run across the line and back to taunt the other kids.  Except here, getting tagged means two to the back of the dome, spray painted, and left for dead up in a vacant by Chris and Snoop.  I respectfully keep my lily whole wheat ass out of the ghetto.  But enough of my suburbanly racist rhetoric.  I am informed in broken english that they are not taking new patients, and to call back in two or three MONTHS.  Thank you, American Health Care system!

So I decide to call Glendale Health Center on Monday to set up an appointment during the week.  Which I will have to make up on my own time so that I can get paid for it.  Glendale informs me that, yes, I can just walk-in, it will only cost $50.  Because even though every fucking cent I make goes to paying bills, I make too much income to qualify for low income medical care.  I thank her, and inform my asshole boss via email (because he flew up to San Jose to pimp our business) that I will not be in Tuesday morning, and potentially the rest of the day.  He agrees, but tells me to document my hours, because otherwise “how will he know?”  He just called me a liar.  I want to make him a living pinata.

So here we are on Tuesday.  After obtaining transportation to and fro work for Higginbottom (oh, did I forget to mention we share a car? In LA?), I drive to the clinic in Glendale.  Already, a line is forming.  I ask to make sure I’m in the right place.  I tell the woman that I need a general check-up.  She tells me that they no longer do general check-ups.  But if I have an issue, I can be examined.  So I say, yeah, I’m having chest pains because I think I have gallstones, but I need a check-up to make sure.  She cocks an eyebrow and says, we don’t do checkups.  I say, “I have chest pain”.  She nods, says, “Good boy.” and gives me the forms to fill out.  I wait as the queue starts to fill.  The woman calls number 9.  I’m number 19.  But then, I figure that numma nine means 19.  Because she can’t read 19.  Awesome.  The nurse asks me a few questions, and then says, “Well, for the gallstones, we might be able to see you, but because you have chest pain, you have to go to the hospital.  Immediately.”  I say, I can’t afford the hospital.  She says, “No, they’ll give you the low income deal we do.”  I smile, and tell her how much I make.  She gets sad.  Oh, yeah.  No, they won’t take you then.  You won’t qualify.  But they can put you on the installment plan.”  But she can and won’t do anything for me.  I thank her quietly and leave.

Because of the cost of healthcare, a hospital visit, with the necessary EKG, lab work, and various folks poking and prodding me, will cost between $1500 (i wish) and $4000 (they wish).  I can’t afford to pay $100 a month for several years to have them shrug and tell me they aren’t sure.

I call Higginbottom.  I tell her, I’m going to start contacting health insurance agents.  She tells me that she’ll look into her DGA program, but even if I get on her plan, it probably won’t go into effect until the first of the first month beyond a full month after it goes into effect.  Which means, if it happened today, it wouldn’t work until May 1st.  I think.

I call an agent for Blue Cross/Blue Shield.  I had been checking out their Tonik plan, which is designed for twentysomethings to get cheapo coverage.  It’s $109 a month with a $1500 deductible.  So sure, I can go to the doctor, but if I need lab work, I pay full price.  Again, can’t pay.  Also, this is for a 20-29 year old.  I am just 4 months shy of 30.  So it goes up.  I call the agent.  She gives me the skinny.  It would cost $144 a month.  For a $35 co-pay, and 60/40 split on lab work and a $750 deductible on brand name prescriptions.  I don’t need brand names, so it goes down to $132.  So I pay $132 a month, plus the $35 for the doc visit, and then 40% of whatever the lab work is going to be, which will be inevitably expensive.  So that pushes it to over $200.  Not working.

Higginbottom calls me.  If we get married, I go on her plan instanteously.  That means, if we hop in a car to Vegas, get a quicky marriage (which is the best way to make a lifelong sacred commitment, and absolutely romantic, since her engagement/wedding ring will undoubtedly be an onion ring, cause that’s what I can afford), and drive back with the wedding certificate, I go on the DGA plan.  Which would cost us an extra $50 a month.  And we’d share the deductible she already used up with her surgery.  Which has $0 co-pay, and 90% of labs covered, if not all of them, if they’re done in network.

Let us recap.  Right now, my most viable healthcare option involves a Vegas marriage. Now you fucking tell me Michael Moore didn’t deserve to win an Oscar for Sicko. 

While searching for a powder blue tux in tubby little bastard sizes, I happen upon the phrase “urgent care clinic”.  Let me explain the concept of an urgent care clinic.  It is similar to ordering at Outback Steakhouse.  You pay a flat fee for the initial exam.  Then you pay for any extra labwork and testing off a menu.  No, I’m fucking serious.  A menu.  EKG work?  $60.  Blood tests?  $75.  Loaded baked potato?  $4.85.   Then you pay the full cost at the end.  I start pricing urgent care clinics.  I call one in Sherman Oaks.  Sherman Oaks is where Britney Spears buys her Starbucks.  The initial fee is $120.  Lab work included, but the EKG and seasoned french fries combo package will run me to the super-sized cost of $200.  Thanks, but I’m looking for a Chili’s or Applebee’s, not Cheesecake Factory.  

I then see a webpage that I swore was for Nursing Assistants Gone WILD!  It advertised $20 walk-in.  The page looked like someone did it up on an old geocities site.  I was looking for the little Joe Francis logo.  The doctor was pictures amidst all his beautiful nurses.  Like a slut buffet.  And this was also below the 10 freeway, so I figured I would be found in a bathtub full of icecubes sans a liver and with a new thirteen tattoo.  Plus, you don’t really want a bargain basement doctor plan with someone who smacks of Dr. Nick.  Someone has to graduate last in the class at medical school.  They’re called malpractice lawyers.  Or Mexican gender altering surgeons.  

Finally, I saw a doctor advertised in Canoga Park, which was out near where I worked.  It seemed to look professional.  It was a $40 initial fee.  It came with a free 7 day followup, and choice of soup or salad.  Tuesdays they have Snickers pie.  Sold!

I drove out to the Urgent Care Clinic, and immediately filled out the paperwork.  It went super fast, no waiting.  The doctor took my blood pressure, which was through the roof.  We talked about my diet, about foods I should eat (which I’m eating), taking baby aspirin (which I do already), and the medicine I need to take.  He would fill the prescription in office.  I asked what that cost.  It was $15.  I asked if I could just get a prescription, because I could find it cheaper.  He said, not a problem.  He told me he wanted to do a blood work test to check my cholesterol, and then an EKG to see if there was any damage.  $10 for the EKG, $45 for the lab work.  SOLD!

His nurse, who I was afraid was a teen Nurse Ratched, turned out to be incredibly sweet, and got me sensored up (apologizing for the chest hair I was about to lose in the name of health science) and drew blood.  I was afraid she would be less than skilled, because she was in a cheap office.  She was brilliant!  Turns out I didn’t have a heart attack, but I need to be on blood pressure medication.  He’s going to call me later in the week to review the lab work to see if I need to go on cholesterol medication.  He was totally familiar with South Beach, so he figures if it isn’t too bad, he we’ll be able to diet it to normal.  Oh, and that’s going to cost me NOTHING.  Even if I have to run back for the prescription.  I told him, it’s only going to be $40, I don’t have insurance.  He says, “I’m the doctor for people without insurance.  That’s why I’m here.”  I almost hugged him.

So $95 later, I had my prescription.  Which he made out for enough pills for two months, plus another refill for two months.  So I wouldn’t have to go see him for another four months if I wanted.  I drove to Wal-Mart, where despite them being evil and corporate, they also sell generic prescriptions for $4 for 30 pills.  So I got my slip of magic paper, and now $4 later, I have the medication which will cure all of my ails.  

So the cost for me to live:  $4. 

This was prompted by a question raised by everyone’s favorite Lucho, Manny of Hispanic! At the Disco.  He was asking about our complaints about our place of work.  I started to type my response and realized it would be poor form to leave that long a comment.  It’s not Pajiba! for godsakes.

Last week, I went to see my boss to tell him that since I’ve been with the company for a year and a half now, and since it’s recently become a priority, I would like to get a pay raise so that I could obtain health insurance for myself.  Because at my one year review, I was given a Burbank YMCA membership for myself and my girlfriend.  THAT’s my healthcare coverage.  Because he was only offering me $60 a month for healthcare.  90% of my lab tests covered?  $30 co-pay on doctor’s visits?  Nah, instead we give you wrinkly old man balls, and a permanent grundlefunk.  Enjoy!

Today, when he asked what was wrong with me, I explained how I’m having certain health concerns.  You know, that my blood pressure could potential stroke me into an Oprah watcher, or that I may have gallstones which are causing constant and excruitiating pain, or some other mystery ailment that they may discover inside me and name after me so that I can leave a legacy after I die in five fucking minutes from now.   But I don’t really know, because WebMD has its interactive limits, and I haven’t gotten far enough in Trauma Center: New Blood for the Wii.  Which is my current health care provider.

The conversation went as follows:
BOSS:  You have to get to the doctor.  Did you make an appointment?
ME: I can’t afford a doctor.  I can’t afford the testing.
BOSS:  You gotta get that looked at.
ME:  I’m going to the Glendale Health Center.  (blank stare)  You can’t get appointments.  (blank stare)  It’s a free clinic, boss.  I’m going to the free clinic.
BOSS:  Oh. 
ME:  It opens at 7:30 AM on Saturday.  So you go and wait in line until they can see you, and then they do some tests and then they give you an appointment for later in the day.  So I have to go and see.
BOSS:  So you’re getting it checked then.
ME:  Maybe.  There’s no guarantee.   Because they’re closing all the other clinics, because they don’t have funding.  So everyone’s getting funnelled to Glendale.  Hopefully not that many people are going.
BOSS:  Why are you going on Saturday?
ME: (interior monologue) Because you don’t give me sick days, like I fucking asked for, so if I take a day off of work, I have to make that time up, or else not get paid and I can’t afford to do that, just like I can’t afford to get tested at a proper doctor, you fucking pinhead.  (visualizing mauling his carotid artery with a tape dispenser)  Because it’s the only free day I have.
BOSS:  Well, that must have been why you were in such a hurry to get more money.  (stupid, retarded jackal laugh)
ME: Actually, no.  It’s gotten much worse since our conversation.
BOSS:  Well, surely, you can afford an HMO.  How much can that really be?
ME:  (interior monologue)  I don’t know.  What do you have the company pay for your health insurance, you cocksucking fuckface?  Is it more than free?  Cause that’s about what I can afford.  (sighs)  Well, most of the plans are running around $75 to $100 a month, but that’s with a really unreasonable deductible, so I’m shopping for better plans.  In the meanwhile, I’m trying not to die.
BOSS:  Well, look, take the time if you need it.  Seriously, you have to make sure to take care of this.  Your health is a priority.  Don’t let this shit go unchecked.  It’s important.
ME:  I know.  (interior monologue)  Because that’s exactly what I told you last week when I asked for a fucking raise, you needledicked fistfucker.
BOSS:  Let me know how it goes.  We’ll talk more about this soon.
ME:  We’ll talk about it next week.  Like we scheduled. 
BOSS:  Mmhmm. 
ME:  At least when I stab you with this sharpened ruler, I can tell how far it went into your chest cavity, you boil on the ass of Osama.  (interior monologue)  Shit, I think you said that one out loud.  GIMME MY FUCKING RAISE! 

And sometimes I wonder why my blood pressure is 176/116. 

Oh, like you thought this little nugget of delight would get away from me.  OF COURSE, I’m going to wax apoplectic on this list.  Usually, this a safe bet for how the Oscars are going to irritate me, and it’s been no depressing exception. I prefer the Golden Globes for two notable reasons:  a) they actually acknowledge the fact that comedy exists and that people who are funny deserve shiny fucking statues, and b) they serve booze.  Oh, baby, that leads to some PRECIOUS moments, and some honest and delightful speeches.  It’s a fun ceremony, and goddamit, that’s what it ought to be.

So here’s the list of nominees, who I think should win, who’ll probably win, along with my furious anger as to what’s obviously missing.  Sit back, crack an adult beverage, and enjoy.  Or seethe.  That’s fun, too!

Best Motion Picture — Drama
American Gangster
Atonement
Eastern Promises
The Great Debaters
Michael Clayton
No Country for Old Men
There Will Be Blood

American Gangster is going to be my “Get the Fuck Out of Here” for this year.  It was just alright.  It’s that safe, gritty, I loves you Denzel movie that we’ve all fucking seen before.  When it was called Donnie Brasco and starred Johnny Depp and Frank Caliendo.  Michael Clayton and The Great Debaters, both excellent films that absolutely deserve a place (Kneel before Oprah!) just like you put retarded kids on softpitch teams.  Because someone has to fill the stands.  Eastern Promises was awesome, and Cronenberg is on his fucking A game.  But sorry, Dave, you can have a nice chat with the other David (Lynch) about how they hate eccentric Canadians, eh?  So that leaves us with our real race.  I have yet to see Atonement or There Will Be Blood, but I am positive these are going to be top shelf flicks.

Who Will Probably Win:  Atonement.  It’s a romantic drama and a war movie.  Plus it’s got British people!  Oooh!  Not that it shouldn’t, but if either of the three win, it’ll be deserved.  There Will Be Blood and No Country for Old Men will split the Scariest Motherfucker of the Year Award, and I just don’t think people are ready to give P.T. Anderson the golden ticket he so richly deserves.

Who Should Win: No Country for Old Men.  You owe the Coens.  You owe them big.  Not only is this just a strong piece, but seriously, did you see what performances they got out of their actors?  Do the right thing. 

Notable Missings:  They probably could have cut one of the Denzel flicks to add Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead.  In fact, I think across the board, they could have replaced American Gangster with Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead, and it would have been smart. 

Best Actress — Drama
Cate Blanchett — Elizabeth: The Golden Age
Julie Christie — Away from Her
Jodie Foster — The Brave One
Angelina Jolie — A Mighty Heart
Keira Knightley — Atonement

What the fuck?  Did they just arbitrarily pick names off a fucking list?  I never before believed that there was a dearth of good roles for women in Hollywood until I read this list.  Jodie Foster hasn’t been in a good movie since Panic Room and that’s only because I’m a severe David Fincher apologist.  Angelina Jolie?  Only if they are planning on having her stand next to Keira Knightley and see who can suck their cheeks in to implosion.  And Cate Blanchett.  You know, she’s getting the nod for I’m Not There, and Elizabeth II: Electric Boogaloo was a steaming pile of garbage better left sunk at sea. 

Who Will Probably Win: Keira Knightley.  Again I’m predicting huge Atonement sweep.  Though, Julie Christie has a possibility of taking it, and deservedly so.

Who Should Win: Julie Christie.  But only because Laura Linney was left off the list.  Also EVERYBODY from Lust, Caution.  But if Keira Knightley wins, it wouldn’t be a grievious miscarriage of justice.

Notable Missings: Laura Linney, The Lust, Caution ladies.  What the hell, Golden Globers?  Did you forget there are other movies out there?

Best Actor — Drama
George Clooney, Michael Clayton
Daniel Day-Lewis, There Will Be Blood
James McAvoy, Atonement
Viggo Mortensen, Eastern Promises
Denzel Washington, American Gangster

Very shrewd of you, Golden Globes.  Divvying up Javier Bardem and Daniel Day-Lewis.  To avoid the showdown of the century that will be this category during the Oscars.  Two of the most accomplished and disturbing performances of the year.  That’ll be good,  This one, meh.  Again, there are no stunning surprises on this list.  It’s pretty much how you expected it to break down.  I mean, you could have guessed this from the get-go.  It’s been a damn fine year for the menfolk, and they’ve done well with it.  It was a wealth of riches.  Still, they picked a few that they ought not of.   

 Who Will Probably Win: George Clooney.  Denzel’s out because he basically turned in the same work he did last year.  Not that it wasn’t a stirring performance, but yeah, we’ve seen it.  We’ve seen it several times, Denzel.  Viggo was amazing as the Russian heavy, and his au naturale fight scene in the bathhouse was ass-kickingly brutal.  But, just as will befall the ever deserving Daniel Day-Lewis, blood doesn’t usually play at the Globes.  Don’t know why.  Guess they opt for the cutesy.  And though they’ve got McAvoy, the boy needs to know that for some reason, the male leads in romantic period pieces don’t get diddley shit when it comes to award ceremonies.  Thanks for playing.  So that leaves it to our man George, because goddammit, Hollywood loves George Clooney, and they want to see him give a charming fucking speech.  

Who Should Win: Daniel Day-Lewis.  Since they took Javier Bardem out of the picture for this race, it’s a no-brainer.  If you thought Bill the Butcher was the performance of a lifetime, and I know I did, watch the fuck out.  Marty knows how to direct good actors, P.T. Anderson can actually make them sparkle and shine.  Do I need to even say Punch Drunk Love?  Call Adam Sandler a douchebag, crap on his juvenile antics and attempts to be the White Will Smith, but goddamn if the man didn’t put in a hell of a performance.  And though, again, I haven’t seen it yet (which will be rectified in the coming weekend) Daniel Day-Lewis will win.  Or else he will kill everyone at the ceremony.  

Notable Missing: Honestly?  I’m a little surprised at the no love for 3:10 to Yuma.  Christian Bale is money in the fucking bank, and he’s really good, but seriously?  Do you fucking hate Russell Crowe that much?  I do, and he was goddamn captivating in this movie.  Denzel doesn’t need another nomination.  Throw an Aussie a bone. 

Best Motion Picture — Musical/Comedy
Across the Universe
Charlie Wilson’s War
Hairspray
Juno
Sweeney Todd

Again, gotta love the fact that none of us have seen most of this shit, which pretty much invalidates most of our kvetching.  I will not lie about my pickled tinkishness at Juno.  Yay!  But seriously.  Hairspray, I understand.  It’s a poor shadow of the original, but it was fucking entertaining.  But FUCKING ACROSS THE UNIVERSE?  I want to kidney punch everyone in that movie.  And I haven’t even seen it.  Because magical realism already happened you fucksticks, and it was called Enchanted and it was awesomeness.  This category is so fucked up in it’s nominations, I’m incensed.  And oh, look, Charlie Wilson’s War.  Haven’t seen it, but I will.  I know I will.  Because, fuck me, I love Tom Hanks.  And he looks as charming and goddamn suave as ever.  Even though I hate Julia Roberts.  Oh, you just wait.  Look down the list.  Yeah, you just fucking wait.  

Who Will Probably Win: Charlie Wilson’s War.  It reeks so strongly of fucking Oscar bait, that it actually makes me pee myself a little to be around it.  It explains the haphazardly retarded way they stacked the other competitors.  I mean, they profiled this worse than a Tyler Perry audience.

Who Should Win: Juno.  In a perfect world.  This is my movie of the year.  I saw it, and I felt good.  Anything calling itself comedy or musical should uplift you.  This does.  It shines, it’s witty, it’s dynamic, the acting is spot on.  This movie is every reason that I want to be a filmmaker.  If you haven’t seen it yet, it’s because it’s not playing near you, because everyone I know wants and should want to see it.  It’s just that good.  

Notable Missing: Where to fucking begin?  Once.  How they ignored this blows my mind.  Not only is it probably the most captivating romance I’ve ever seen, but the music is stomach clenching, eye scalding beautiful.  Higginbottom, my beloved, did not care for the movie.  I considered breaking up with  her.  It’s that good.  Waitress. This Napoleon Dynamite-d me. At first I wasn’t sure what to do with it, but then it grew on me.  Keri Russell was very good in this, the whole cast did a fine job.  I just think it was such a deceptively simple premise that people overlooked it as fluff, or just plum overlooked it.  Lars and the Real Girl.  I think this got missed because frankly, I don’t know what to categorize it as.  It should be a comedy.  It’s a beautiful, complex, touching movie.  Ryan Gosling is nothing short of perfect.  It dances such a tenuous line between buffoonery and drama.  It should be up here.  And then I guess the Globe voters decided fuck you Seth Rogen and totally ignored Knocked Up and Superbad.  Were they trying to appease the inexcusablely nominated Katherine Heigl?  I’m even tempted to put Dan in Real Life  here, because of Steve Carell’s nuanced performance, but there’s just so much they missed.  For a society that loves to bitch about how there’s no good movies anymore, you’re missing some real fucking gems, having not seen any of these.  

Best Actress — Musical/Comedy
Amy Adams, Enchanted
Nikki Blonsky, Hairspray
Helena Bonham Carter, Sweeney Todd
Marion Cotillard, La Vie En Rose
Ellen Page, Juno

In a perfect world, you’re looking at my nominees for Oscar.  Just pop out Nikki Blonsky (all love to my sizeable sisters, because she was adorable as Tracy, but it’s been done, and let’s let her blossom some as an actress before we give her the shiny), and add in Julie Christie or Laura Linney and there you have it.  I haven’t seen Helena Bonham Carter, so I can’t say whether yay or nay she can stay, but she’s got some fucking shoes to fill and those motherfuckers have the words “Murder, She Wrote” written in the blood of the other bitches stupid enough to try and tread in them.

Who Will Probably Win: Marion Cotillard.  She basically gives the performance of a lifetime in a movie that nobody will see or care to see.  She rightfully deserves it, and so it’s with a heavy heart I have to give it away from a field of actresses that all fucking A gamed it this year.

Who Should Win: Amy Adams.  What?  You fuckers thought I would say Ellen Page, didn’t you?  Admit it!  And you know, I think Ellen Page is a phenomenal actress, and gives a fucking knocked out the park performance on this one.  She embodies everything about Juno, and carries that film charmingly on her bulbous stomach.  But Ellen’s not due her trophy yet.  Hard Candy was strong work, and I really want to go and scrounge up her older stuff, but she’s not due.  She will fucking win a statue and she will win it in the next few years, mark my words.  Probably an Oscar even.  (Fingers crossed!)  But Amy Adams is due.  She was due for Junebug, and she is due now.  Her Gisele is fucking radiant.  It’s a tough sell, playing a part that could have easily been something slapstick and cheesy.  But you just believe her.  You believe she’s a real-life Disney princess for every moment she is on that screen.  And the faults of the pacing of the film and the woodness and cliche of the story are not hers.  She sells it, from her rigoddamndiculously ginormous dress to her naivete, and you eat it with a spoon and lick the spoon and beg for more.  

Notable Missing: I’d have to say Keri Russell should have been on this list.  Probably instead of Nikki Blonsky.  It’s a toss up.  Her performance is really solid.  Also, and this is a bit of dark horse call, but I really would have liked to see Michele Pfeiffer get recognition for her excellent work in Stardust.  She was chewing scenery but goddamn if she didn’t look like she was having a ball doing it.  

Best Actor — Musical/Comedy
Johnny Depp, Sweeney Todd
Ryan Gosling, Lars and the Real Girl
Tom Hanks, Charlie Wilson’s War
Philip Seymour Hoffman, TheSavages
John C. Reilly, Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story

I like Will Ferrell.  I laugh at him.  I think he’s starting to catch a backlash (akin to the Steve Carell one) because he’s hit the center stage a little too soon and a lottle too much. What the hell does this have to do with anything?  Well, he tend to get shit on for doing stupid comedy with his friends.  One of which is John. C. Reilly.  And thusly, I like John C. Reilly.  I think he’s one of our underrated character actors, and people other than P.T. Anderson need to realize that.  Having said that, that fucking Dewey Cox movie must be the most brilliant thing ever conceived to celluloid for him to be on this list.  There’s not a fucking chance in hell that he belongs there.  He’s like a homeless person who wandered off the street and was standing in line when they gave the nominations out.  And I guess they filled up the rest of the lineup with good ol’ endearing PSH.  He’s going to win for Charlie Wilson, so he doesn’t really need the nod for The Savages.  Maybe to drum up more business, I guess?

Who Will Probably Win: Tom Hanks, come on down.  We have your usual table.  Thank you for joining us this evening.  We wish you would have left the big toothed bimbo back in the car (nice, blonde dye job, Supercuts, are you trying to remind America how much we loved you as the whore?) but the fatty is always welcome. 

Who Should Win: Ryan Gosling.  There are alot of actors who couldn’t hold their own playing against a rubber doll.  Not only does he pull it off, but you buy his performance.  For every moment of that movie.  But for me, the moments that are more captivating, are the portions where you realize he KNOWS the doll is fake.  It’s a stunner of a performance, and since they forgot to give him the statue for Half Nelson, I’m assuming they were just keeping it warm with Amy Adams’s.  

Notable Missing: Steve Carell really should have been here for Dan in Real Life. It’s a virtual ensemble piece, but he has to maintain as the straight man they all ping off of.  It’s a Steve Martin role, the beleaguered father, and he handles it with class and dignity.  You really care about Dan, and that’s important to whether or not you enjoy this film. 

Best Supporting Actress in a Movie
Cate Blanchett, I’m Not There
Julia Roberts, Charlie Wilson’s War
Saoirse Ronan, Atonement
Amy Ryan, Gone Baby Gone
Tilda Swinton, Michael Clayton

How can you be so right, and still be soooooo fucking wrong?  I guess if you have to pick five actresses, they did.  This just disappoints the hell out of me.

 Who Will Probably Win: Cate Blanchett or Julia Roberts.  Because awards show voters don’t know how to fucking check any other box.  And any other box deserves to win than Julia Roberts.  I’m just fucking done with her.  At least Cate Blanchett does some riskier shit with her roles than just get a perm and a wonderbra.  I don’t know who voted Julie America’s Sweetheart, but they need to be fucking dragged out behind the courthouse and given justice two times in the side of the head.

Who Should Win: Amy Ryan.  I think it might just be that I fucking loved her so much in “The Wire” as Beadie Russell, but holy shit is she haunting as the crackwhore mother of the girl who goes missing.  This was seriously shit on because of Ben Affleck, who does a fucking bang-up job.  And Amy Ryan is another one of those actresses that’s going to spend her life never getting the recognition she deserves.  Just talk to Laura, Aimes.  She’s been there before.

Notable Missing: Alison Janney is very good as the stepmother in Juno.  But Alison Janney is always good, so it’s easy for people to forget about her.  Again, I’m sort of dumbstruck for people to choose.    

Best Supporting Actor in a Movie
Casey Affleck, The Assassination of You Are Fucking Out of Your Mind If You Think I’m Typing This All Out, Mr. Artsy Fartsy Name Your Movie Something Super Fucking Long
Javier Bardem, No Country for Old Men
Philip Seymour Hoffman, Charlie Wilson’s War
John Travolta, Hairspray
Tom Wilkinson, Michael Clayton

They should just call this one Javier Bardem and everyone else.  I don’t know why the fuck John Travolta is here.  He slaps on a fat suit and a dress and everyone claims he’s a genius, and not a fucking closet case.  He sounded like Ed Sullivan after a stroke, and was almost the downfall of that charming little movie.  I know why Tom Wilkinson’s there, because he’s Tom Fucking Wilkinson.  But I’m not sure he knows why he’s there.  And I haven’t seen TAOJJBTCASHJKAHJDA but Casey Affleck is getting this because they didn’t want to admit he was “Da Bomb, yo” in Phantoms, I mean, Gone Baby Gone.

Who Will Probably Win: Javier Bardem.  I can see them trying to give the statue to PSH, but then the Dutch Boy Terminator rolls up on stage and puts a fist sized hole in his mancans and quietly walks away. 

Who Should Win: Javier Bardem.  A dear friend of mine hated No Country for Old Men.  But even she thinks he should win.  And he will.  Because he is scarier than anything Rob Zombie or Eli Roth can come up with.  Except how bad their fucking movies are. 

Notable Missing: Dane Cook was really good in…..BWHAHAHAHA!  Just kidding.  This was actually an even better year for supporting male actors.  There was a lot of solid, heavy performances, but they are all going to get overshadowed by the unrelenting juggernaut of badassery that is Javier Bardem. I think that this was a fucking top notch year for James Marsden, and I would like to have seen him get a little more love.  He was great as Corny Collins in Hairspray, but he really sold me as the Prince in Enchanted.  Again, in what could have been a real throwaway performance, he’s always in the moment, and balances nicely against the awesomeness that is Amy Adams. Ben Foster should have gotten something.  He’s a little hammy, but he’s shown range, at least as a psycho.  He was excellent in the more-decent-than-I-thought-it-would-be Alpha Dog and even better as the maniac second banana (tongue firmly in cheek on that one) to Russell Crowe in 3:10 to Yuma. And you know, I’m gonna say it, Justin Timberlake has shown himself to be a strong fucking actor.  He’s not going to be ever winning any statues, but he carried the load admirably in Alpha Dog, Southland Tales and Black Snake Moan.  Also, Robert Downey Jr. should have gotten something for Zodiac. I dunno.  A fruit basket or some shit?  I mean, it was a long monster of a movie, but he was pretty fucking spot on.

Best Animated
Bee Movie
Ratatouille
The Simpsons Movie

I love the Simpsons with a passion reserved for children and dogs.  But really?  It was right up there with Shrek the Third in terms of quality of story and characterization.  I mean, fair enough, it’s a much better movie than, son of a bitch, Bee Movie.  WHY?  No way that even should be considered.  It was fucking crap on the bottom of your shoe.  When your love story involves a bee and Renee Zellweger, you’re either making the worst cartoon ever, or the best porno.   

Who Will Probably Win: Ratatouille.  Because it was almost the best film of the year, it’s Pixar, and it’s out-fucking-standing.

Who Should Win: Ratatouille. Because it was almost the best film of the year, it’s Pixar, and it’s out-fucking-standing.  

Notable Missing: I think Persepolis should have been considered animation and added to this category.  Again, it’ll be one of those hauntingly good films that nobody goes to see.  Cause they can’t find it.  I just wanted to get that out of the way before…WHERE!  IS!  BEOWULF?!  It was CG, just as much as the Pixar stuff, it was animated actors, but it was fucking animated.  I don’t think it should win, I didn’t think it was a particularly good movie, and I thought it was a parody of most action films.  But it still deserves to play.  There’s probably some fucking rule that says if X percent is motion capture, then it’s not really an animated blah blah snore fart.  This is like Michael Moore pulling Fahrenheit 9/11 from documentary and declaring it as a film.  It’s just fat and stupid and going to win for Sicko. 

Best Foreign Film
4 Months, 3 Weeks, and 2 Days
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
The Kite Runner
Lust, Caution
Persepolis

What an embarassment of riches!  Just watch every one of these movies.  I’m pissed that I haven’t seen any of them yet.  They’re all supposed to be the greatest things since sliced bread, but I tend to run with a highbrow, artsy fartsy crowd.  Yeah, I know, there are people who read subtitles and get syphillis, but take fucking penicillin, and go see all of these.

Who Will Probably Win: The Diving Bell and the Butterfly.  If only because it’s so good it’s getting recognized in other categories.  But we’ve been duped before.  I shall not speak the name of Pan’s Labyrinth again.  GUILLERMO!   WHY THEY DO THIS TO US, GUILLERMO!   

Who Should Win: You know, you can’t really go wrong with any of them.  They’re all winners, because they did what most of Hollywood failed:  they made a decent movie.   

Notable Missing: I don’t know nothing bout no foreigners.  Seems like they nailed this one to me.  

Best Director
Tim Burton, Sweeney Todd
Ethan and Joel Coen, No Country for Old Men
Julian Schnabel, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
Ridley Scott, American Gangster
Joe Wright, Atonement

Ridley Scott!  Did you get into the cupboard again?  Dirty boy, you go and take John C. Reilly with you.  It’s time for the real directors to play.  You don’t belong here, blocking space that good people deserve.  I know you made good films.  Yes, you did.  Yes, you did, I know.  But not this year.  This year you spent all your money on the same old tired actors, and the same old tired premise.  Oh, I know you shot Stringer Bell in the head in the middle of a crowded street.  Well, good on you for that.  But Ben Affleck put Omar in his movie.  Yes, he did.  Now, shoo!  

Who Will Probably Win: The Coen Brothers.  I think Joe Wright and Julien Schnabel will split the vote amongst the highbrows, and these boys will eek in on the glory of their canon.  They’re just due.  Tim Burton also was here. 

Who Should Win: The Coen Brothers.  No Country for Old Men is a mind-numbingly good flick.  The acting is spot on, and even when the story takes a jarring leap in the narrative, you still watch, if only for the stark harsh beauty of the acting.  This is not a heist flick, this is not a caper.  This is the story about three men in Texas and how their lives intersect.  

Notable Missing: Where the fuck is Sidney Lumet?  Couldn’t be bothered to go see Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead?  Was it PSH flabby ass bobbing on Marisa Tomei that did it?  So what, the rest of the flick is tight.  And Jason Reitman and Ben Affleck both have legitimate claims to stake here, but I think they both have some grownsings up to do first.  At least they did just chuck Denzel up in here.   

Best Screenplay
Christopher Hampton, Atonement
Aaron Sorkin, Charlie Wilson’s War
Ronald Harwood, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
Diablo Cody, Juno
Ethan and Joel Coen, No Country for Old Men

What kind of fucking retarded category is it that will face Diablo Cody against the Coens?   And can make you forget that Aaron Sorkin is up in the house?  As smart as they are for separating comedy and drama, they just lump up the fucking writers in the one box.  And you wonder why they’re fucking striking.  Assholes. 

Who Will Probably Win: The Coen Brothers.  In this showdown, as much as I love me some of that Diablo Cody, their script was tighter.  This is a fight where everybody wins.  Also, Aaron Sorkin!  Holy Crap!  He could probably sneak in on the glory that is Tom Hanks, and snatch the trophy out from under them.  But I just think this is finally a Coen renaissance.  Now if they could talk to the Wachowskis and the Wayans, and get this whole family filmmaking thing back on track.

Who Should Win: Lars and the Real Girl. Buh.  Buhwah?  Yeah.  You know, Juno is movie of the year as far as I’m concerned.  The dialogue is spritely, catchy, and the story is sharp and never dumbed down or divergent.  But Lars should have been nominated and it should have fucking won.  The Coens did an adaptation so pure to the Cormac MacCarthy novel that they pretty much could have torn pages from the book and stapled them to the actor’s foreheads.  Lars is on a whole other fucking planet than the other screenwriters. 

Notable Missing: I’m pretty sure I made myself clear. Now give us the fucking internet residuals, you fucking greedy corporate whores. 

Best Original Score
Grace Is Gone
The Kite Runner
Atonement
Eastern Promises
Into the Wild

Best Original Song
“Despedida” Love in the Time of Cholera
“Grace Is Gone” Grace Is Gone
“Guaranteed” Into the Wild
“That’s How You Know” Enchanted
“Walk Hard” Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story

Who Will Probably Win: Don’t fucking care.

Who Should Win:  I think I’m just going to lump all the music together in one big old bowl of WHAT THE FUCK?!  I was excited, gnawing on my fingers with anticipation of the sheer awesomitude that was going to be the Music showdown this year.  When last year had three songs for the same fucking movie, I was sick.  But this year came with stunning musical movies.  I thought four were going to be a shoe-in, lockdown, braindead obvious fucking choice.  I thought it would be a dark horse toss up between the song from Enchanted and maybe Shakira.  You know how many are here?  ONE. Clint Eastwood?  A composer?  Do you just want him to collect the whole fucking set of Oscars?  Maybe next year, he’ll get together with fucking Brad Bird and Lassiter and start doing animation.  Or even special effects.  You fucking lapdogs.  Boo on you. 

Notable Missing: Instead of the indignant tear that will probably take up a whole fucking nother mile long fucker of a blog, I will instead list the songs that should have been nominated.   Because the scores are all beautiful lyrical string music that I could give a donkey’s dick about.  

“Falling Slowly” Once. 

“You Can’t Stop the Beat” Hairspray. 

Pick one from Into the Wild.  

Though unrealistic, I would have loved to see “Anyone Else But You” by the Moldy Peaches, performed by Ellen Page and Michael Cera, Juno. 

 And though it was odious, Across the Universe. 

What the fuck?  Two of your nominations for best MUSICAL don’t get any MUSICAL nods?  Asshattery is afoot, mein freundin.   Now take my list and tell me you aren’t watching those performances at the god damn Oscars.  Why am I the only one who understands how life works?   

Best Television Crap

I don’t give a flying fuck about any of these.  They give fucking Golden Globes to crappy performances every fucking year on these shitcrap fucking garbage programs.  I hope they all get ass cancer. The only wish I have is that people start watching Friday Night Lights and 30 Rock.  I’m talking to me, you! Start watching the good shows, you asshole!  Stop being an elitist, me, and start actually paying attention.  You know Damages is going to be good!  It’s a first year show on F/X!  It hasn’t reached that third season What the Fuck do We Do Now, Now That Everyone’s Fucked Everyone Else, and We’ve Killed Off Everyone We Can Bring Me a Useless Guest Star Post Haste! that all the other shows have hit (I’m looking at you, Rescue Me and Nip/Tuck.  But I still won’t quit you.) And until they actually recognize the fact that The Wire is the best program that is being made EVER, and give it all the fucking awards, I consider the remainder of these categories to be a moot fucking point, and I refuse to acknowledge them.  Seriously?  You’ve seen HBO, you fucking nominated stuff from it.  The best I can hope for is Alec Baldwin deservedly winning for “30 Rock” and destroying the audience with his laser heat vision. 

Whew!  I can’t believe you fuckers read this far.  I’m spent!