I am not punk rock. I am not my fucking khakis either. But I while alternative/punk is probably the best way to describe my musical tastes, I dare not call myself punk rock. I’ve got mosh pit scars on my elbows and knees, and I’ve protected my number of female friends from the flying Doc Martens of some fifteen year old day-glo’d mohawk doing suicidals at a show. I’ve seen NoFX live more times than any other band, and the only live concerts I’ve seen weren’t punk were Ben Folds Five and Britney Spears & N*SYNC. (Shut up, my cousin was 12 and she wanted to go, and it was at Hershey Park, and there’s candy and roller coasters and this was back when Britney was still fuckable — desirablely so, not in the sense like now, where you actually have a chance to probably fuck her if you take her picture first and offer her some blow — and we were being nice and, and, shut up, I don’t have to defend myself to you!)
But I never wore safety pins through my clothes. I never sported crazy colored hair, or shaved it on the sides for a fauxhawk or a goth kids style. I never wore leather jackets with band patches. I never wore band patches. The only pair of black boots I own are steel toed, because the T got CROWDED during the weekends and I didn’t want my feet getting stomped. I own two band T-shirts, one for NoFX and the other for the Reel Big Fish/Goldfinger tour. I didn’t get political on anyone, or try to instigate revolution, or to even give the finger to authority. I don’t suffer fools, and I don’t take shit, but I would never dare call myself punk. Mostly because authentic punks tend to be assholes. They tend to be so wrapped up in “being punk” that it gets off putting. As much as they claim to be nonconformist, punk tends to be almost as aggressively social as any other clique, if not more so. If you aren’t bleeding from a crowd surf punt to the dome or have a black eye from a mosh circle brawl, you aren’t real to the scene, man. It never surprised me that it was fronted by bands called the Buzzcocks and the Circle Jerks. Both seemed to apply. I long ago shook hands and stood to the side, deciding to become an unoffical member of the Fat Old Guy Mosh Pit Crew, and saving my lady friends from the frustrations of teenagers three chords away from going on school shootings. (Of course, there are plenty of punk kids that are welcoming and lovely, and yes, I am demonizing and stereotyping and oversimplifying, but fuck it. If you’re so punk rock, why do you care what I have to say?)
By avoiding the whole scene and attitude associated with the music, I was able to appreciate almost all of it without feeling like some sort of poseur. I was assembling a playlist for a workout, deciding to forego the techno/hip-hop/world music that tends to be most workouts for a more punk rock playlist that’s the kind of music that gets me pogoing like a spazzo. Going off my limited selection, I managed to make a list that was damn near 4 and 1/2 hours long. And since it was punk rock, it was about 1 billion songs with four chords between them.
But I found that my list could be broken down into four seperate subgenres of punk. And so I broke it down into: bouncy ska punk, old school punk, new school punk, and then what I just called rock. Of course, not all of the bands are punk, not punk at all, I was just trying to blend together songs that I enjoy. These lists are works in progress, but I’m pretty proud of what I’ve assembled. Again, I was bored with my iPod last night, so I was just cutting and pasting from my limited selection. For your scorn and critcism, I present, the Punk Rock Workouts:
BOUNCY SKA
Blur — Song 2
Me First and the Gimme Gimmes — Runaway
The Vandals — My Girlfriend’s Dead
Pennywise — Punk Rock Song
Reel Big Fish — Sell Out
Flogging Molly – Drunken Lullabies
The Fratellis — Flathead
Gogol Bordello — Think Locally Fuck Globally
Goldfinger — Mable
The Offspring — Come Out And Play
Rancid – Ruby Soho
Me First and the Gimme Gimmes — Danny’s Song
The Mighty Mighty Bosstones — Devil’s Night Out
Green Day — Platypus (I Hate You)
Less Than Jake – One Last Cigarette
Suicide Machines – High Anxiety
Green Day — J.A.R. (Jason Andrew Relva)
Mad Caddies — Booze Cruise
The Pietasters – Out All Night
Pennywise — Fight Till You Die
Less Than Jake — Sugar In Your Gas Tank
Flogging Molly — Devil’s Dance Floor
Goldfinger — Nothing to Prove
The Offspring — The Kids Aren’t All Right
Less Than Jake — Automatic
Suicide Machines — No Friends
Mad Caddies — Villains
Gogol Bordello — Immigrant Punk
As you can begin to see, I have an unhealthy obsession with Irish-style violins, and brassy horn sections. Gogol Bordello just made the cut, whereas I felt the Pogues were a little too slow for my workout. There could easily be more Reel Big Fish on here, and some Bosstones, but I was more interested in the fast guitar and anthemic stuff. For me, ska dances the fence between the new school “bouncy and safe” and the old school “violent and resilient”. Old school punk is more like Rocky Balboa, it’s not flashy, it’s lasting and tough. So this list is bouncy ska, like a boxer bouncing on his toes before he kicks your ass.
NEW SCHOOL PUNK
Green Day – I Fought The Law
Rise Against — Dancing for Rain
Fall Out Boy — Sugar, We’re Going Down
Nerf Herder — Pantera Fans in Love
Story of the Year — Until the Day I Die
Sugarcult — Memory
Social Distortion — Story of My Life
Nerf Herder — Led Zepplin Rules
Me First and the Gimme Gimmes — Goodbye Earl
Fall Out Boy — Tell That Mick He Just Made My List of Things To Do Today
Brand New — Seventy Times 7
Alkaline Trio — Armageddon
Gob — Give Up The Grudge
Green Day — Holiday
The Loved Ones — Suture Self
Bear vs. Shark — Busses/No Busses
Fall Out Boy — Sending Postcards from a Planecrash
A New Found Glory — My Friends Over You
Nerf Herder — Cashmere
Yellowcard — Believe
Dropkick Murphies — Forever
Okay, first of all I know I have a lot of fucking nerve putting the Dropkick Murphies and Social Distortion in the same category as Fall Out Boy and New Found Glory, let alone labelling it New School Punk, but here me out. This is essentially the skateboarding videogame soundtrack. The only reason Less Than Jake and Pennywise aren’t here is because I’m putting the scarred horns on the ska list. I love new school punk for a completely different reason that the old school. Punk-pop is fun music, it’s not dangerous; that’s as laughable as Ashlee Simpson doing a song about what a rebel she is. Or it’s actually just as laughable as Ashlee Simpson. There are plenty of interchangeable bands here: A Simple Plan or more New Found Glory could easily replace most of the one-offs. There’s a definite place for some newer Offspring or even Good Charlotte, but I don’t really own much of their music. I left Panic! At the Disco off the list for the same reason The Pogues aren’t on the bouncy ska; I feel like they’re just that side of pop, even though they sound EXACTLY the same as Fall Out Boy. There’s a ton of Fall Out Boy, but it’s mostly the older stuff, before they hit it big. I just started listening to The Loved Ones (my album review will be up later this week). And I know I kind of bitched out on the Rise Against song, but I love that song.
OLD SCHOOL PUNK
NOFX — Linoleum
Social Distortion — Angels Wings
The Buzzcocks — What Do I Get
The Replacements — Bastards of Young
The Dead Milkmen — Punk Rock Girl
The Ramones — Judy Is A Punk
NOFX — Louise
The Clash — Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Black Flag — Rise Above
The Ramones — I Wanna Be Sedated
Suicidal Tendencies — Institutionalized
Social Distortion — Highway 101
NOFX — Kill Rock Stars
Iggy and the Stooges – Search and Destroy
Butthole Surfers — Too Drunk to Fuck
NOFX — Jaundiced Eye
The Misfits — Last Caress
Pansy Division — Deep Water
NOFX — 13 Stitches
The Descendants — Schizophrenia
Black Flag — Drinking and Driving
Dropkick Murphys — Pipebomb on Lansdowne
Fishbone — Party at Ground Zero
Yeah, I know, could I possibly pick more obvious songs. Why didn’t I just slap fucking ”Rock the Casbah” or “Blitzkrieg Bop” on there, and complete the Rhino Records Old Punk Hitz! Vol 1. It’s a little NOFX heavy, because I own a lot of NOFX. And I put the grandfathers of ska at the end of this list because it’s a good phase down. With this list, I know I have all the right bands, and most of the right songs, I probably can do better. Social Distortion is difficult to find songs that are rhythmic enough to be on a workout collection. As fast as most punk bands play, there’s definitely a slowed down rock aspect to them. It’s like Dropkick Murphys. Which song works for a workout? I put Forever on the New School because it’s that sweeping inspirational, but it doesn’t fit in with the other dirty facepunches that is the rest of his. I had a hell of a time picking the right Descendants song, because I don’t own many of their albums. I almost put Nothing With You, but that would go on the New School side. But there’s at least a story to be told here. Sure it’s Natural Born Killers, but it’s still a fun fucking ride. Look down the titles again, and figure out where I went with this. But of all my lists, this is the one I think needs the most work.
ROCKING OUT WITH YOUR SWEAT SOCK OUT
The Reverend Horton Heat — Psychobilly Freakout
Rodrigo y Gabriela — Tamacun
The Red Elvises — Love Pipe
Ween — It’s Gonna Be a Long Night
The Hives — Hate to Say I Told You So
Three Days Grace — Animal I Have Become
Iggy Pop — I Am a Passenger
Toad the Wet Sprocket — Fall Down
The Vines — Get Free
Nickelback — Animals
Sum 41 — Still Waiting
My Chemical Romance — Bury Me In Black
Tito and Tarantula — Caraches Anjodes
Dragonforce — Through the Fire and the Flames
Red Hot Chili Peppers — Higher Ground
Bad Religion — Infected
Smashing Pumpkins — Zero
Tito and Tarantula — Dark Night
The Who — Baba O’Reilly
This truly shows you the insane skimmer that is my brain. I mean, this list jumps all over the fucking place. And I know people are going to try to claim my taste status with some of my choices. Yeah, there are plenty of songs that rock harder. I could have gone 80’s on a lot of this. But this has got a nice rockabilly vibe to it, with some interesting guitar riffs peppered throughout. You have no idea how bad I wanted to put some Primus on this bitch. I just couldn’t find the right song to put in there. Wynnona’s Got A Big Brown Beaver, or My Name Is Mudd. But neither felt right. There are two songs off the From Dusk Til Dawn soundtrack which I think I balanced nicely with the Rodrigo y Gabriela song at the front along with Reverend Horton Heat. Rodrigo y Gabriela blow my fucking mind. They are fast flamenco style guitar, and it is awesome. And it may seem like that blown mind would be responsible for what could be deemed a lag in the center of the playlist. Yes, you bet your ass I put a Toad the Wet Sprocket song on the rock list. It was almost Flood by Jars of Clay. I like my playlists for the workout to go in peaks and waves. I just think there’s a rule somewhere that Baba O’Reilly has to be on the beginning or the end of every playlist that has the word rock in it.
I also made a 2 or 3 hour playlist I called Techno-cality. Because I’m clever and I love puns. Also, because it is a fucking high school yearbook of eighties and nineties techno. It’s got some Atari Teenage Riot, Gravity Kills, hell, even a little Zombie Nation and My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult. I was a whisper away from slapping some Sneaker Pimps “Six Underground” up on that monster. But that would be out of control. I will spare you the details.
Hopefully my punk workouts work out. I’ve been at the gym a while now, and doing a cardio workout that runs just over an hour. So hopefully this will get all four cheeks and a couple chins bouncing like a mufackus. And eventually bounce them right off my jiggly ass.